


Queens of An Alternate Toronto

by pistol_red



Series: Queens of Toronto (also known as my horrific /report stories) [2]
Category: Fandom RPF, Meta - Fandom, Slash Report RPF
Genre: Crack, F/F, Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 12:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/867771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pistol_red/pseuds/pistol_red
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Hoyden, Twentysomething, Merelyn and Gus really didn't sign up for this. There's this level of friendship where old men with pitchforks chase you, alcohol can't numb the pain anymore, and excessive amounts of nakedness is around every corner and you just don't want to deal with that in your relationships, you know? But what can you do? Friends suck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Queens of An Alternate Toronto

**Author's Note:**

> I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THIS AGAIN. OH GOD. SO I DON'T KNOW IF EVERYONE IN THIS STORY IS OKAY WITH FIC ABOUT THEM, SO IF YOU'RE NOT PLEASE LET ME KNOW AND I WILL SEND THIS BACK TO THE FIRE FROM WHENCE IT CAME. IMMEDIATELY. I MIGHT ON MY OWN. 
> 
> Um, this is a badfic about nothing in particular. I kind of forgot most things about /report when writing this, so, yeah. SORRY FOR EVERYTHING AND INACCURACIES. I HAVE BAD MEMORY AND DON'T STALK PEOPLE. AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL HALF OF THESE PEOPLE SO THEY'RE USERNAMES ARE CHOPPED UP AWKWARDLY AND I CAPITALIZED THEIR NAMES AND YEAH, I DUNNO. 
> 
> I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS PORTRAYAL OF YOU. I SUCK.

“You're getting married on Tuesday? You can't get married on Tuesday! I have a deadline then!” Hoyden liked to think that she was pretty calm most of the time but this was just flat out inconsiderate.

“Well you don't have to come.”

“.....yeah I do, you're getting _married. To each other.”_

“It's not a big deal.”

MK was the worst.

“...your _marrying Pru,_ MK. ”

“We're only doing it because Pru wants to have a wedding and she's too embarrassing for other people to marry. She's not for me, because her constant embarrassment makes me feel better about myself.”

“You two have such a healthy relationship.” Hoyden didn't know why she was friends with these people. Just last week a rhinoceros on Animal Planet looked straight at her and said, “You can't escape it forever Hoyden, you belong in the wolf-pack,” and she knew this was some MK and Pru fuckery. 

There was never any magical talking rhinoceros in her life before MK and Pru showed up. Occasional there would be a talking dog or cat but Hoyden just figured that maybe she could talk to animals on the side sometimes, it wasn't a huge deal, she managed fine.

But now, now it was across continents and through TV's and she had a nice schedule in place damn it and was a little annoyed that MK and Pru decided to go get hitched out of nowhere without sufficient warning.

“Yeah,” MK said, seemingly lost in her own thoughts, “Pru's the worst.” She then let out a little deranged sounding giggle before clearing her throat.

Hoyden rubbed her temples and sighed. “MK, don't keep giving me bullshit about marrying Pru to soothe her romantic heart, you've never cared before, so why now?”

“I've _always_ cared about Pru's romantic heart."

"........." Silence seemed like the only appropriate response to that.

MK seemed to give up on that route fast. "Well there's dad, you know. I might have told him that me and Pru were getting married.”

“MK....”

“He was annoying me! So I told him Pru proposed in Japan, my family is ecstatic and already picked out wedding dresses for us, they're hideous. Plus me and Pru are kinda living in a Sentinel AU right now? And we're trying to cover all the tropes to stop bugcock from chasing us through Toronto with a flamethrower again."

Hoyden hung up the phone. She was rational here, and they were obviously losing it. Not that they ever had it. She was trying to be nice to her friends here, but MK and Pru were never the most competent of people. They were obviously in full blown crisis mode now if sentinels and bugcocks were involed: time to call Twentysomething and Gus to convene.

 

 

 

Gus had been going about her life, eating some crackers and dressing up as John Addams to reenact some of her favorite scenes from 1776 when a sudden banging noise startled her from her thoughts.

It was someone at the door. And she was pretty sure it wasn't Abigail Addams. She then shook her head because that wasn't even a joke and it really made no sense.

It turned out that a rain drenched Twentysomething was standing outside her door, and, curiously enough, she was holding an unopened umbrella and jar of peanut butter.

“....hi.” Gus was pretty sure there was no logical explanation as to why Twentysomething was standing at her front door, soaked in water and holding peanut butter, but she'd seen worse.

Twentysomething just looked at her forlornly from the eyes of someone who hadn't experienced sleep in over forty-eight hours and said, “MK and Pru are stuck in a never ending cycle of tropes and we have to save them before we hit some serious angst shit.”

Right. “Well I am kind of busy right now.”

Twentysomething raised an eyebrow, “John Addams, really?”

“Fuck you it's a completely legitimate pastime!” She rarely got to indulge in this side of her, so when she does of course Pru and MK go and get stuck in a trope cycle. At least there was no knotting. Well, unless there was genderswap, fuck. 

“Right now MK and Pru are running through the streets of Toronto in wedding dresses and being chased by unicorns and elderly men from Kansas carrying pitchforks.”

Gus is really starting to think she missed something here, besides everything, “I'm pretty sure that's not a common trope in fic or I've been missing something pretty big during my time in fandom.”

Twentysomething grimaced, “Everything's blurring....it's not coming out right Gus! There's a portal at the end of the hall that will take us to Toronto, we need to go now!”

Gus had been planning on spending the afternoon dressed in her John Addams costume, defending women’s rights, saving people from unjust social systems and eating crackers, but, you know, a friend in need.

“I was going to save people from sexism today.”

Twentysomething perked up, “Let's all get together and do that tomorrow!”

That sounded reasonable. She was in.

 

 

Merelyn didn't know what time it was, but it didn't matter; her vision was blurring as she slumped dramatically down onto the bar counter and wept. She got a few weird looks, but this was Toronto, and you could only get into the bar if you gave the fandom password, so the regulars there were pretty used to dramatic weeping at this point.

“Mere, Mere!”

Merelyn was pretty sure someone was shouting her name, and, sure enoughm looking upwards and focusing her sight she managed to narrow in on who she thought briefly were Iaasc and Danny, before she realized that that had just been a vivid daydream and it was actually Gus and Twentysomething. Huh. Also she was pretty sure Hoyden was standing there but that could have just been the alcohol. 

“Mere, why are you getting drunk instead of helping Pru and MK?” Merelyn was pretty sure that was Danny. And by Danny she meant Twentysomething.

“Oh they're fine, they're _more_ than fine, they're _happy,_ and _simulated_ and very very fine and also naked. Very, very naked. You could say. Hypothetically.” She let out a gurgling sob, “Guys, oh god guys, I really didn't need to see weird ass wolf-pack, sentinel, in heat alpha-omega, Pru/MK sex. Ever. Like ever oh god.”

Gus winced sympathetically as Twentysomething said, “Does this mean they're not running around in wedding dresses anymore?”

Merelyn stared into the dark counter surface and felt like she was staring into the never ending blackness of her own soul, “Well, they're definitely not in wedding dresses anymore.” She let out a bitter laugh.

“At least they're somewhere private, right?” That was Gus.

“ _Now.”_ Merelyn said scathingly, letting her head fall down onto the counter. “No thanks to them.”

“Uhh....well then, we're a little late, guess you didn’t need us right now. So....more beer then?”

Twentysomething sucked. So did Gus for that matter. “Fuck you both, guys. So hard.”

“Like Pru and MK?” Gus really did suck, and so did her smirk.

“Die screaming in fire while fire resistant crows pick out your eyes and your mother watches.”

 

 

 

MK wasn't sure what all the fuss was about or why Twentysomething, Hoyden, Merelyn and Gus were sitting on her couch and staring at her like she had personally killed their favorite characters while standing over their lifeless bodies reading Sterek poetry while speaking in Sailor Moon's voice. 

“Wait so......you're _fine_ now?” Merelyn really didn't look like a happy and supporting friend here. MK was a little insulted. Old men from Kansas ran  _fast._ And a couple of them had  _southern accents._

“It turns out it was like Pon Farr,” Pru's voice yelled out from the bathroom before she emerged wearing a robe with a towl wrapped around her hair. Trying to scrub all the MK away. Well, hah, she thought, that's never gonna happen. You can never get me out of your hair once I get in the first time. 

“Yeah guys, I mean, we appreciate you all showing up but maybe we can never talk about this again.”

“Yeah, you can all go away now,” MK added.

Wow okay, she wasn't popular right now if all the glares she was getting were anything to go by.

Twentysomething sighed and took on an expression of regisnation saying, “Well, you guys are canceling the wedding then?”

“What, no, of course not.”

Apparently, MK was learning, that was a weird thing to say. She could never really tell, people always reacted to the wrong things. 

“Oh my god why not?” Merelyn was actually looking at her directly, shame MK wasn't going to be able to acknowledge her existence for at least several decades.

Pru shrugged, “I do actually want a fancy wedding, guys.”

“And my family is like, really happy about all this,” MK threw in.

MK didn't really think they were getting it. Why wouldn't she marry Pru? Pru would be bound to her, legally, _forever, as long_ as they didn't divorce. But even if they did, Pru would never be able to get away from the fact that she chose to marry her in the first place.

“Guys I don't think you get it,” Pru was saying, “The tropes _made me a billionaire. Like, only for a few hours, but, a billionaire._ There's isn't a rival yet guys _, maybe we can still trigger it.”_

Suddenly MK felt a little on display as Gus, Twentysomething, Hoyden and Merelyn all stared at her, assessing. She was more than a machine to create rival billionaires, really.

Gus was the first to shake her head, “Nope. Not even being a billionaire could make me actually go after MK's affections.”

MK was insulted. She was a _catch,_ okay? And they only didn't see it because she had cameras in their homes, but they didn't have any in hers. If they did, they would be thinking differently.

Pru sighed like she could tell what MK what thinking. Pru's voice suddenly cut into her head with, _I can, telepathy, remember?_

Right, MK forgot about that one. She would have to test later which tropes stuck around and which left. She was _really_ hoping that the alpha/omega one stuck around. 

“I can't believe I'm still marrying you after being in your head,” Pru muttered to herself, horrified.

MK grinned brightly, realizing that though Pru didn't have cameras in her home to constantly watch MK like MK did with Pru, she _was_ inside her head, which was _almost_ as revealing, “What can I say, I'm a catch, baby.”

Pru stared for a few seconds, groaned, and then face planted on the floor, seemingly not caring about her crash landing.

Whatever, MK figured, this was gonna be _great._ She had almost all of her pack with her, her guide was marrying her on Tuesday and she recently saw Joffrey Lupul in the grocery store buying cucumbers.

Life was pretty great. 

 

 

 


End file.
